My Testimony

Well, I never thought it would happen to me. I never thought I'd become one of those people. You know the type, right? I never thought I'd be one of those fundamentalist, fanatic, religious nutjobs that had a poll on their blog about what happens when you die and links to all sorts of ministries, etc. How did this happen, you ask? Well, in a nutshell, one very late night a few years ago, God changed my heart and my life forever. Just for the record, I'm not a nutjob...well, maybe that depends on who you ask. I'm just a person for whom God has revealed His truth and has saved and I'm so eternally grateful. I want others to come to experience this new life so that is why I am writing this. Ok, what do I mean by "saved"? Please, read on.
I was raised Catholic but stopped going to church as soon as I could get away with not going anymore. I had heard a little bit about Jesus dying on the cross for the sins of the world but it meant nothing to me at all. Long story short: In high school, I started getting into drinking and that drinking continued heavily along with drug use until I was 22. At that point, I entered into a very well-known 12-step recovery program and struggled but learned how to stay sober a day-or hour or breath at some points-at at time. I was clean and sober for over 2 years when I started to think about going to church. I wasn't seeking God or anything. I just thought going to church would enhance my recovery program and make me happier. I heard about a "cool" church from some friends in recovery and went alone one night and sat in the back with my arms folded. It was okay, so eventually I went back from time-to-time.
As time went on, I began to start wondering about some things. I wondered is God really real? If so, which God is right? Muslim? Christian? In my recovery program, I could call my "higher power" anything I wanted. That worked to keep me sober, but could we all really be right? It didn't seem logical to me that if there was a God or supreme being or whatever, that if you believe one way, and I believe God to be something totally different, that in the end, we'd both be right. I mean 2+2=4 even if I want it to equal 5 or believe in in my heart to equal 5, 2+2 still equals 4. I mean, truth is singular for a reason, right? Anyway, I started to question which religion or god was true and I also started to wonder what happens when we die. I mean, it's gonna happen. It's inevitable, right? Ten out of ten die. So do we all go to heaven? Is there really a hell? What are heaven and hell like if they do exist? Is it just nothing? That's weird. Then, I started to wonder what a Christian really was. I remember asking my best friend Sarah, who was not yet a Christian but had grown up in the church, what a Christian was and what did I have to do if I wanted to become a Christian? Do I just go to church and try to be a "good" person? Do I read the Bible? Do I get baptized? She didn't really know because she wasn't yet converted. By the way, Sarah proves an interesting point. Did you know you can be religious without really knowing God at all? Matthew 7 is all about that. I wonder how many churchfolk Jesus will tell to depart from Him on Judgment Day. Sobering thought, huh?
Anyway, over the next several months, I did meet some real Christians. As I look back, I know God used them to sow seeds of His truth into my life. Also, Sarah actually ended up getting converted a few months before I did. Right after God saved her, I knew she was different. I didn't like it, to be honest with you. She was changing everything because God was changing her. She didn't want to sit up all night like we used to smoking and swapping uh...we'll just say inappropriate stories and thoughts about men we knew. I know now that she was striving to be holy as He is holy. She wasn't doing it in some religious, ritualistic way though. God had just genuinely made her into a new creature. She had a new heart with new desires. I later learned that that's what being born again is. In John 3:1-5, Jesus says that unless we are born again, we will not go to heaven. Wow! Jesus sure had a lot of sobering stuff to say.
Anyway, I kept seeking truth. I tried to read the Bible, but didn't understand it and that frustrated me to no end. Then, one night, I was up late doing some stuff around my apartment and I was sort of watching this Christian teenage rally on TV. Let me stop here briefly and just say a couple of things. First, I was not one to watch Christian television because of all the televangelist scandals I had heard about over the years. Second, I do not at all think that a lot of, dare I say most of, what's on so-called "Christian" tv today is biblical or Christian. However, with that in mind, there are still some faithful preachers out there on tv and I stumbled upon one of them on this particular night. As this man, was preaching, I began to feel convicted. He was talking about not being willing to give God all of your life, and I just stopped. I felt so ashamed because this was true of me. In that moment, I realized that I had sinned against God my whole life. I had broken every single one of His commandments over and over and over again. I had lied, so, so much. I had stolen. I had lusted. I had dishonered my parents by my behavior and disobedience. I had not put God first in my life or even been very thankful at all to the this God who had given me everything. I thought I was safe on the murder one but I learned that God judges not only our actions, but our thought-life and our intentions. Jesus said that to hate someone or be angry without cause is the same as murder to God. I had done that way too many times to count. That night, God's Holy Spirit was at work in me. He convicted me of my sin. For the first time in my life, I really knew what sin was and for the first time ever in my life, I was actually sorry to God for sinning against Him. I had been sorry a lot in my life-sorry that I had to suffer consequences. But this was different. I was actually sorry to God. You see, 2 Corinthians 7 explains the difference between worldy sorrow-just being regretful over suffering consequences of your sin-and true, godly sorrow, which leads to repentance. That night, I got down on my knees, and cried out to God and told Him I was sorry and asked Him to forgive me. And that whole, Jesus dying on the cross thing: it finally made sense to me. I broke God's Laws and Jesus stepped in and paid my fine. By God's grace and mercy that night, He allowed me to see myself in truth. He showed me my sin and my need for a Savior. He granted me the gift of repentance and made me a new creature. He gave me the gift of His Spirit.
After that, I started to change-just like my friend Sarah had started to change a few months earlier. I started to understand His Word (the Bible). I started to desire different things, like Bible study, church, and sharing the truth of Jesus that had changed my life with others. I started to not want to sin. I wanted to live a clean and pure life before God. Everything was changing from my taste in music and movies, to my language, to my beliefs and stances on certain things. The Bible started to come alive to me. It was amazing and it has stayed that way ever since.
After I got sober, I thought I had arrived, so-to-speak, but I was wrong. I guess because since I wasn't drinking and doing drugs anymore, and thus, my behavior had changed somewhat radically due to my sobriety, I thought I was a good person. I wasn't religious. I was spiritual. But somewhere along the line, I realized that just being sober wasn't enough; and that I really wasn't a good person. None of us are. We are all inclined toward sin. We all need a Savior. And we are all going to die someday. Someday, and none of us knows when, we are going to step out of time and into eternity. Isn't it important to have the right answer? What is more important than where you will spend forever? Can you think of anything?
I get so caught up sometimes in day-to-day life. You know what I mean? I worry and think about things that are somewhat important such as: paying bills, school, work, if and who I will marry, etc. I am a Christian, but I am also still a sinful human being. Being a Christian is not an easy road and don't ever let anyone tell you different. The narrow road comes with a cost. I have been through some really dark times as a Christian. I also still screw up. I am by no means perfect and there is a lot for God to deal with in me. However, I wouldn't go back for anything. I've lived on both sides of the fence, and as hard as life is sometimes, and as hard as it is to live a godly life, there's no way I'd trade it for anything in the world. I want others to know Jesus and be born again and saved as I am. I deserve hell, but I get heaven. I want others to be there with me. I can honestly say I would give up every single dime and possession I have; I would give up my dog who I love so dearly, I would even give up my life, if it one mean just one of my loved ones, or even an acquaintance or coworker or stranger who doesn't know Christ, would repent and trust in Jesus. Repent and trust. Not go to church or say this many prayers or confess your sins to some human, or get baptized, or do good works, or whatever. No. Repent and trust. All those other things are moot and meaningless if you don't know Him.
Yes, I would give anything and everything to see even just one person who reads this get saved. But salvation doesn't work like that. Salvation, as the Bible says, is of the Lord. So, might I encourage you: tonight before your head hits the pillow, think on these things, seek truth, seek God. Ask Him to reveal Himself to you. If you are sincere, He will be faithful to do so. It's just that simple. Examine yourself before Him in light of His Holy Commandments. Turn away from your sin and trust in Jesus alone for your salvation.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I realize that I have shared my faith with some of you. However, some of you have never heard me speak of these things. For that, I am truly sorry. Please forgive me. I also realize that maybe after reading this, some of you might look at me differently, and maybe not in a good way. That is ok. As much as I want to be liked, it's more important that I speak the truth in love and that is why this blog exists. I want you to know that, whether I know you well or not, I truly, truly and deeply care about your eternal salvation. I don't want your money or for you to join my church. I just want to see you in heaven someday. Jesus can give you eternal life and real purpose for living today. I love you and I hope you'll look into it. Thanks so much again for reading this.